Showing posts with label Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Story. Show all posts
Ladies: 8 Signs That You Found The Perfect Man

Ladies: 8 Signs That You Found The Perfect Man

1 

 The first time you met he complimented you effusively and quoted When Harry Met Sally before giving you his number so you could get coffee together. He also wore a rainbow bracelet that said "SF Pride 2014," and you were impressed by how open-minded and progressive he was.

2

 It's crucial for couples to have common interests and thankfully you have similar hobbies! You're both fascinated by the male body, you like staring at photos of Benedict Cumberbatch, and you love discussing the qualities of an ideal boyfriend. This is usually stuff you can only talk about with your female friends, so congrats on finding the real deal!

3

This is an incredibly smart move on his part because he won't have to compete for your attention with other eligible men. Sure, that shows he's a little insecure around other straight, potentially more attractive bachelors, but that just means he knows you're hot stuff! He also left you at the bar to get a ride home with another man because carpooling is great for the environment. What a guy!

4

  In fact, it's not about sex at all! He hasn't ever made a move to suggest that he wants to get in bed with you, which is so respectful. It almost seems as though he's disgusted by the idea of having sex with you, but that's just because he's a total gentleman.

5

This is an incredible turn on. What's more attractive than a man so secure in his masculinity that he's comfortable being publicly affectionate with his male friends?

6

There's nothing better than an old fashioned man who says words like "fortnight" to mean "I will watch Jane Austen adaptations with you," and "gay" to mean "100% straight and in love with you, a female lady woman." You can respond with "I love you just the way you are," to let him know that his quirks are endearing and that you can't wait to marry him.

7

He's totally going the distance to prove to you that he's husband material. This example wedding is also the perfect, loveliest summer event filled with all the right shades of pastel, and it would make you feel awful except now you can expect yours to be just as good. And you've even got quotes for all the wedding expenses! He's so thoughtful.

8

This is huge. It's kind of weird that you didn't marry first, but it's the 21st century for crying out loud - people can have children before marriage! You tell yourself to stop being so traditional and give birth to beautiful triplets named Neil, Patrick, and Harris.
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8 Stages of Ordering A Pizza

8 Stages of Ordering A Pizza

Is everyone here? Where's Gary? Will someone grab him? Okay good.  Now listen, hey where are you guys going? Can it wait like two minutes? Don't roll your eyes at me! What happened to Liz? She was JUST here! Look we're all going to be starving in two hours if we don't settle this so will everyone please just SHUT UP AND FOCUS?
Is everyone cool with Papa John's? WOW OKAY OKAY FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. What about Dominos? I'll go ahead and take those unanimous blank stares as a no. Pizza Hut? What the?!? Did someone just throw their shoe at me? Alright FINE! Does anyone have a suggestion then? TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT.
Alright so we've got one half-pepperoni, half-sausage, one...yes Amber I know you're a vegetarian, that's why I'm also going to get one cheese and one...NO FRANK I didn't say we're getting ALL vegetarian...YES TOM I KNOW YOU WANT BACON. OF COURSE we're going to get bacon it's just...damnit Amber we JUST talked about this! AGHHHHHHHH!

 F*** it. I'm putting in the order and if you guys don't like it, DON'T EAT IT. The fact is if we put this off any longer all the pizza places are going to close then you're all bitch at me for the rest of the night so I guess some of us are just going to have to make some sacrifices. I'M SORRY LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
Alright so the total is $48.14 plus tip. So far I have....$3. Oh sorry actually one of these is a Canadian dollar. VERY FUNNY TOM. Anyone else feel like pitching...hey where is everyone going? Don't you scatter on me! Megan? Terry? Nothing? Ugh yes I suppose you could write me a check if you really have to. Huh? Then why'd you offer?!? That's f***ed up, Terry!  NO I DON'T HAVE CHANGE FOR A FIFTY. AGHHHHHHHH!


What's that, Frank? When will the pizza be here? Well let's see...we'll take the 40-50 minute estimate I JUST gave you, subtract the oh I don't know FOUR SECONDS that passed between then and now, and there's your answer. Care to guess what it's going to be when you ask me again one NANOSECOND after I finish this sentence?
 Not too shabby, huh? Come on guys, give it up. Nobody could agree, so SOMEONE had to step up and make an executive decision for the good of the group, and look at us now. Y'all are so engulfed in pizza ecstasy no one's said a word in nine minutes. Now I'm not saying you have to thank me, but it would nice just to hear you admit....hey! Damnit who keeps throwing f***ing shoes?!? FINE WE'LL JUST PRETEND THIS MAGICALLY HAPPENED ALL ON ITS OWN. Why do I hang out with you people?
  Now that that's out of the way, who's ready to party?!?! Orrrrrr you can all just pass out fully clothed wherever you happen to be sitting. That works too. Oh well, I'm kind of tired too so I guess I'll hit the hay. Where does everyone want to go for breakfast tomorrow?






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8 Reasons Why We Should Give Up and Vote Trump

8 Reasons Why We Should Give Up and Vote Trump


 Despite everyone assuming he would be a temporary nuisance in the presidential race, Donald Trump is STILL leading overall in the GOP presidential polling - and has been for nearly 6 months. This is not a minor blip like Newt Gingrich or Herman Cain in the 2012 GOP primary - Donald Trump appears to actually be in it to win it. And the reality that he actually has a shot at being our next president is slowly dawning on many people - but why do so many continue to resist? Here are 8 reasons why we should just give up and accept our fate as subjects to President Donald Trump.


1. It'll make for an AWESOME documentary in 20 years


Wow, in 20 years (once we all have enough distance from it to laugh at ourselves), there's gonna be a great documentary made about the rise of the Trump presidency. Probably called "Trump Card" or something. You'll see it pop up on your Netfluhuzon Video Mind Implant and be like "oh I bet that'd be good" but still just watch old episodes of The Office instead, but someone else will watch it and give you the gist.
 


Surely you've seen those "before and after" pics of George W. Bush and Barack Obama. Both entered the office as young-ish, fresh-faced dudes ready to lead the country. Both found themselves a mere 8 years later withered, grey husks of what they once were. Now imagine the same thing happening to the bright-orange businessman with the world's most baffling combover, Donald Trump. Would the stress and demands of the position finally wipe away whatever hair he actually has? Would he change into a duller shade of orange? There's only one way to find out: by actually electing the guy from The Apprentice.










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