Showing posts with label Fail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fail. Show all posts
7 Reasons Why It Would Suck If The Force Were Real

7 Reasons Why It Would Suck If The Force Were Real

10:17:00 0
In the original Star Wars trilogy, there are like 5 people who use the Force total. That's it. Sure, there may have been more people who were Force sensitive but didn't use it (like Leia), but it's a pretty huge minority. Most people are just regular, non-Force-having, normal folks - and that's probably how it would be if the Force were a real thing. The odds of you having it are slim to nil - and the odds of you actually being Force sensitive enough to actually DO anything with it is even slimmer. Not everyone can be Skippy the Force-Droid, after all.
The Force can be used for lots of good in the world - or, more likely, people just being total dicks to one another. The problem with introducing that kind of unfathomable power to the world is that it works on the honor system - there's no way to really regulate its use. So Force-users could be running around choking people to death with SPACE MAGIC and never be caught. How would our legal system be able to adapt to a "well, he probably has magic powers" as a prosecution angle?
Hey guess what - Lightsabers have jackshit to do with The Force. It's just a totally separate thing altogether - the Force is a mystical energy that binds together all living things, and lightsabers are just cool laser-swords that were invented by some dude. But since lightsabers are one of the coolest things about being a Jedi or Sith, you'd kinda assume you'd naturally get to have one. Nope - even if space magic were real, laserswords are still going to be an unrealized dream.
Let's face it - nearly everyone who had The Force would use it for personal gain or straight-up evil. Sure, maybe people would do nice things every now and then, but more often than not they'll use it for petty revenge or massive power plays. A well-trained Force user would basically be an IRL wizard, able to fell entire armies with the flick of a wrist. Nations would fall, the economy would be disrupted, millions would perish, all because a few bad apples got powers.
And - perhaps even more terrible to imagine - many might become street magicians.







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10 Sex Fuckups You'll Definitely Make

10 Sex Fuckups You'll Definitely Make

05:35:00 0
I am by no means an expert at sex, but I AM an expert at fucking things up during sex, so take heed, young readers, at these embarrassing situations that await you (or that you've probably already experienced):


Things are turning SEXY, and you are PREPARED! You just bought a new 12-pack of condoms... and they're in the other room, still in a CVS bag located directly in between your roommate and your roommate's parents visiting for the weekend.


After a covert rescue mission wearing a towel but not showering (inconspicuous!) now you have to open the plastic in the dark, desperately grasping for that little sticking-out corner part while pathetically lighting it with your cell phone, every second feeling like an eternity, while your

plastic, they must be AWESOME at fucking!" partner lays there naked thinking "if they're this skilled at opening


Things are getting interesting... but you kinda have to pee. You're faced with what's known as The Sexer's Dilemma: Either stop and say "I have to use the bathroom real quick," which is about the least romantic thing anyone can possibly do, or plow through it and proceed to have sex anyway and run the risk of being distracted the whole time by wanting to pee and possibly being unable to finish because your body's just confused by all the fluids. This is a medical fact.


(Sidenote: I have not had sex since coining the term "The Sexer's Dilemma")



 For women, this means a possible urinary tract infection. For guys, it means waking up the next morning and peeing in directions you never knew were possible -- like, 4-dimensional quantum-mechanics-defying piss streams -- then tiredly cleaning it up with the 4 remaining dabs of toilet paper.

The overall takeaway here is that peeing before and after sex is WAY more crucial in real life than movies would have you believe. All the pissing scenes in The Notebook got cut in the final version.


Oh HELL YEAH, you're so passionate and spontaneous you're gonna fuck RIGHT HERE ON THIS HOTEL BATHROOM SINK!!!

Five seconds in, you both realize how uncomfortable this is, but you can't bow out now or you'll know you're not as cool & spontaneous as you want the other person to believe, but you also don't want to literally injure your private parts while also freezing.

There's only one solution: keep at it for a token amount of time, then aggressively switch locations and both act like this new switch is you being EVEN MORE cool & spontaneous, and not just obviously switching away from the shitty terrible spot you just tried. Because you're up for ANYTHING. You're both COOL SEXPEOPLE who can SEX ANYWHERE.

Here's another dilemma: When sleeping with someone for the first time, do you go fully 100% all-out and whip out your couple go-to moves, or do you keep things mostly standard then gradually introduce more and more stuff with each subsequent session?

If you choose the former, you might run out of stuff to do the second or third time you're sleeping together and reveal yourself to not quite be the Ultimate Sexmaster you initially pretended to be. But if you don't go all-out from the getgo, you run the risk of the other person not wanting to sleep with you a second time, making everything moot.

WHAT DO YOU DO??? Having sex is such a taxing calculation!!!

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