At this point in our lives, we'd all rather have our house burn to
a crisp than tell anyone we genuinely left the stove on. Forgetting to turn off
the stove isn't even a matter of safety anymore. We all do it without even
thinking because the social implications are much more disastrous than
returning home only to find fireman in front of your building.
Sorry
grandma, no visits for you today. No one wanted to be the person caught
actually saying these super obvious excuse words. You're going to have to spend
another night watching "Bones" alone with the sounds of your
room-mate's coughing blocking the tv. Maybe if you were at a mental hospital it
would sounds less like an excuse, but for now we just can't risk it.
Ever wondered why your co-worker is falling asleep at their desk?
Why the student next to you is lounging on three chairs fully passed out? Well,
it's because no one can actually tell someone they have to get up early, even
if they really do. It sounds so made up. "Oh, you have to get up early, I
see. Well fuck you then, why did you even come"?
Oh, you're lost? That's believable. with a million navigation apps
and satellites that can find you anywhere you go, if you actually get lost you
should keep it to yourself and come up with a made up, more believable excuse
for being late. If you happened to get lost, your best chance to have people
believe you is to get murdered by a psychotic serial killer in the woods. That
way it would at least be on the news.
No one believes you're sick. Be honest, does your genuine cough
sound any different from your fake one when you're trying to snag a sick day?
Not only will you be miserable, in pain and puking your guts out - no one is
going to believe this is actually happening to you when you tell them. Not even
your pale Instagram photos with the hashtag SucksToBeSick will sell it. Sick
make up is so easy to pull off, there are thousands of Youtube tutorials for
it. And don't even THINK about getting a simple headache!
What if you actually enjoy jury duty? sitting in a court room,
listening to insane murder stories, pretending you're in a David E. Kelley
drama? Well, it's not going to be fun when all your friends and family think
you're just blowing them off. Who can't find a way to avoid jury duty these
days? This even has built-in restrictions because you're not allowed to discuss
the case, making it the perfect excuse. So if you actually do have to go to
jury duty, you can bet everyone is going to assume you're on a beach somewhere,
laughing at them while drinking mojitos.
