These Are the Luckiest Wedding Traditions from around the World

You may want to incorporate these traditions into your own big day to increase your chances of a lifetime of love and happiness—because even the most loving couple can use a little luck.

The date is the thing in China

ng the date is an important wedding ritual in China and sets the stage for everything that will follow. Pick the right date, and the marriage is bound to be successful; pick the wrong date, and the unlucky couple doesn't stand a chance. The wedding pros at Cordis, Hong Kong at Langham Place, in Hong Kong, do a lot of Chinese weddings. "When picking a wedding date, couples always consult with a Chinese monk, fortune-teller, or Chinese calendar, to ensure that the wedding falls on an auspicious date. Knowing which dates to avoid, and what seasons to stay away from, is integral to the process, which is largely determined by the bride's birthday. Having the right wedding date is believed to bring wedding luck, and aide in the success of the marriage," they say.

Everyone wants a piece in Spain

In Spain, good luck on your wedding day can spill over to your best friends. "The groom's tie is cut into pieces, and auctioned off to his friends. It brings good luck to everyone who gets a piece. At many Spanish weddings, they do the same with the bride's garter," Chertoff explains.

Getting married in Egypt leaves a mark

Egypt is the birthplace of legalizing unions, now known as marriages, between two people, but thankfully, one Egyptian wedding custom did not spread around the globe. In Egypt, brides are routinely pinched by every single female wedding guest attending the ceremony. Good times!

English brides weave a web

In England, if you have arachnophobia, you may have to choose between an unlucky marriage and the single life. Good luck here is measured in itsy bitsy you-know-whats. If you find a spider crawling somewhere on the bride's dress, the couple is sure to have good luck. This custom makes you definitely want to avoid inviting pranksters to the wedding!

Italian brides get sweet treats

Many traditional (or superstitious) Italian brides follow an ancient, pre-wedding ritual, for good wedding luck and fertility. The night before the wedding, the bride wears a green dress. She does not see her groom until the next morning, choosing instead to spend these hours with her parents, or other family members. Italian newlyweds also bestow small gifts to all of their guests, for added wedding luck. These are called confetti bomboniera, and are usually sugar-coated almonds in a little purse. Each purse contains an odd number of almonds (seven, or nine). If a purse accidentally holds an even number, the good luck becomes diminished.

Vietnamese brides see red

No white weddings here! The color red, which symbolizes good luck, is the color of choice for attire, and décor, at most Vietnamese weddings. Leaving nothing to chance, the groom's family will even travel to the bride's parental home, bearing wine, fruit, and cake, wrapped in red paper and presented on red platters.

Read More

These Extraordinary True Stories Will Remind You About the Power of Trust

Taking a leap of faith and trusting someone else is one of the scariest things you can do, but these people's stories prove that it's worth it.

I trusted my trainer—and he saved my life

"As an athlete, I've always worked hard to push myself to my limits and with that usually comes some aches and pains. So last year when I started to feel some muscle soreness after a tough workout at first I didn't think it was a big deal. I was training for a marathon at the time, so over the weekend I'd done a 13-mile run. The following Tuesday I hit my favorite CrossFit gym to do a workout that involved a lot of upper body weight lifting. My trainer told me to take it easy on my body, but I figured I'd be fine and powered through it. Afterward, my trainer noticed a slight swelling in my arm and said he was worried. I tried to brush him off but he insisted I drink a lot of water and check in with him in a few hours. Sure enough, by that afternoon the swelling had increased and I headed to the doctor. I still thought he was making a mountain out of a molehill but I trusted my trainer so I did it. "The doctor took one look at me and diagnosed me with rhabdomyolysis, a life-threatening condition where muscle overuse causes kidney failure. (Fact: Rhabdo turns your pee brown! Here are 10 more things your urine can tell you about your health.) As they gave me IV fluids to flush out the toxins, my doctor told me that if I'd waited even another 30 minutes, we would have been having this discussion in the emergency room. Things were touch-and-go over the weekend but I made a full recovery, thanks in no small part to my trainer. I was a very experienced CrossFitter and still hadn't seen any problems. Thankfully I had a great trainer I could trust; he saved my life." —Katrina Plyler, Tuscaloosa, AL

I trusted my therapist—and caught my husband cheating

"After suffering through several years of a difficult marriage my husband and I finally decided to try marriage counseling. One day our therapist suggested a one-on-one session with me. He told me that my relationship wasn't healthy and I needed to get out. I still remember his exact words. He said, 'If you told me you were going to stay, I'd ask you why; if you told me you were leaving, I'd have no questions.' (Worried about infidelity in your relationship? Here are 12 subtle signs your mate might be cheating.) "At the time I wasn't ready to believe my marriage was over, but I trusted that he knew what he was talking about. I took his advice seriously and began the painful process of divorce. I discovered that my husband was cheating on me, even while we were in counseling, and I realized my therapist had been so right. What he said that day led me to change my life in a major way and it has made my life so much better in many ways. I'm so grateful I listened to his wise advice when I was too emotionally caught up in my relationship to see the problem myself." —Marcy Wright, Sacramento, CA

I trusted my dog—and I'm still alive

"Ten years ago I adopted my dog Rudy from a shelter just days before they were going to euthanize him and we've had a special bond ever since. As a single woman in her 50s, I've found his companionship really meaningful. We have a lot of rituals together. For instance, every night we have a little bedtime snack and then I get in my bed and he gets in his doggy bed right next to mine. But a year ago suddenly Rudy didn't want to do the routine. Every night when I got in bed he'd jump up on my bed and start licking my face, even though he knows he's not supposed to. I'd get mad and make him get off but the next night he'd do it again. Soon he was jumping on my lap to lick my face every time I sat down. (These are the signs your dog trusts you.) "I was considering taking him to obedience school when it suddenly dawned on me that he was licking the same spot on my jaw over and over again. I felt my jaw and it seemed okay and I didn't have any pain but it was so out of character for my dog that I decided to just trust him. I made an appointment with the doctor and felt silly telling her why I came in but she agreed to do some tests. Well, it turns out I had osteocarcinoma—bone cancer—with a tumor in my jaw. It couldn't be felt from the outside but somehow Rudy knew it was there. I just finished chemo and radiation and I'm doing much better now but the doctors said if I'd waited until the tumor was big enough to be felt, it likely would have been fatal.

I trusted God—and it paid off

"When we first became Christians my husband and I kept hearing about tithing. At the time, we were living paycheck to paycheck, just barely getting by. We were donating about $20 a week which felt like a huge sacrifice at the time. But we kept reading the message in the Bible, Malachi 3:10, and decided to just trust God that if we were obedient He would take care of us. It was a huge leap of faith but we started giving at least 10 percent of our income in tithes. Sure enough, not only could we get by but our financial circumstances kept getting better and better. We've been tithing ever since and never looked back!"

Read More

These Sisters Developed a Special Lifelong Bond, Thanks to a Pillow

You'll wish you have your own "fat pillow" to snuggle after reading about this family memory.

When I was 13, my granny stuffed pillows with farm-raised goose down for my little sister, Ava, and me. I had never before—nor have I since—slept on something so heavenly. They were fit for princesses, and we named them “the fat pillows.”
Ava, who was approaching 2 years old at the time, was just making the transition from a baby bed to one of the matching white iron twin beds in the room we shared. Even though I was officially a teenager and beginning to focus more on basketball and my friends, Ava was my little doll.

We played house and dress-up in our room. At night I’d tuck her in with her fat pillow, give her a kiss, or perhaps a zerbert—a loving wet raspberry—and tell her how much I loved her. When morning came, I dolled her up in pretty clothes and brushed her long black hair before I made her breakfast. It was like having a look-alike living doll.
I went away to college at 17 and took my fat pillow with me. On weekends home, Ava and I would stay up talking way into the night; we missed each other so much! She’d tell me what it was like to go to kindergarten, and I’d tell her what it was like to go to college.

Before we went to sleep, I’d always ask if she’d let me sleep on her fat pillow since mine was three hours away at school. She always gave me the same, firm answer: “No!” I slept on a lumpy pillow and treasured those visits anyway.
Years passed, and before we knew it, Ava was telling me about junior high while I told her what it was like to get married. At some point, my fat pillow disappeared during one of my many moves. To this day, its fate remains unknown.
Rest in peace, fat pillow.
When I turned 30, I had a baby and Ava went off to college—with her fat pillow. On visits home with my husband and infant son, I’d open the door to the empty room Ava and I once shared and miss her even more. Unlike me, though, she kept track of her fat pillow through the years, miles and moves.
Today, Ava and I are both grown women with families of our own. I’m no longer the older, cooler big sister. I’m Aunt Bebe, relegated to sleeping on the dreaded sofa bed when I visit. I love seeing what a wonderful mother Ava is to her girls. Watching her with them takes me back to those special times in our room growing up.
On my last visit, Ava brushed the girls’ long hair and got them into their Frozen nightgowns. Then they snuggled up for goodnight hugs, kisses, and zerberts. Afterward, I’d settled into my sofa bed in the dark house when I felt a kiss on my forehead. “Here’s the fat pillow. You can have it if you want it,” she said. And I did. I closed my eyes, and the fat pillow seemed to whisper all the sweetest dreams of my childhood in my ear.

Read More

Are You a Pushover? 9 Ways to Stand Up For Yourself

Being a pushover can have a negative effect on your own life. Here’s how to stand up for yourself.

Get out of the "people pleaser" mindset

Putting everyone else's needs and happiness before your own is unhealthy and tends to intensify as time goes on, leading to an out of control people-pleasing cycle. “People pleasers give and give to the point where they become martyrs. I always tell my clients, ‘You’re not martyrs, you’re just making yourself more unhappy by focusing on what someone else thinks or needs,” says Margo Drucker, a board-certified clinical hypnotist at Premier Integrative Hypnosis in New York City. Remember this mantra: the only person you should be focused on pleasing is yourself. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you stick to your guns the easier it’ll be and the stronger you’ll become.

Figure out what makes you happy

“When you make yourself happy, you realize that speaking your mind, living in your truth, and being true to yourself makes a difference,” says Drucker. Take a step back and make a list of all the things that make you happy, or things you feel particularly strongly about. Next time you’re faced with a decision where the choice you think they want you to make makes you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, flash back to that list.

Try acupressure

Often, pushovers are so eager to please someone else and make the “right” decision that they become incredibly stressed and anxious in the moment. If you feel this happening, tapping acupressure certain pressure points may help relax you. “This technique is so powerful because it very quickly allows you to shift out of unwanted emotional states, negative patterns, or triggers,” says Drucker. All it takes it tapping various points on your wrists, hands, forehead, and other body parts in just the right place with two fingers. Visit Emofree.com to learn where each point is located and how to tap.

Learn how to "heart breathe"

If struggling to say “no” even though you know you should sends your heart racing, a technique called “heart breathing” may be able to ground you and help you stand up for yourself. Relax your body right where you are and focus on your heart and the feeling of breathing in and out; laying a hand on your heart might help. Picture your heart beating and breathing, and then think of someone or something you love unconditionally. “This allows feelings of security and assuredness to grow,” says Drucker.

Adopt positive mantras

Pushovers often have a fear of expressing themselves because they’re worried their opinion is wrong, says Drucker. Spend a little time each day going over positive affirmations or mantras. It could be something as simple as, “Your opinion matters,” or “I am me and I am OK.” “It helps people understand that while they have this fear they’re willing to let it go because they accept themselves,” she says.

Stop worrying about what other people think

A common pushover trait is to be overly concerned about what other people think, which can prevent them from stating their true thoughts for fear of offending someone or saying the wrong thing, says Drucker. Have confidence in your own thoughts and accept that disagreements happen. “Never withhold your truth. To be successful, you have to learn that conflict is a part of it,” said Sherrie Campbell, PhD, on huffingtonpost.com. “You have the right to express your opinions.”

Read More

Clear Signs You Can Trust Your Roommate

Trust is critical for stress-free living. Here’s how to know if that virtual stranger is worthy of sharing your space.

She’s dependable

Acting responsibly, by paying bills on time for example, is a prerequisite for trust. “Dependable people are predictable,” says Ernesto Escoto, PhD, director and clinical assistant professor at the University of Florida Counseling and Wellness Center in Gainesville, Florida. That removes a layer of stress from your daily life. It’s certainly okay to miss a commitment from time to time, as long as it’s handled responsibly, like if she’s caught up in a meeting and texts to let you know that she’ll have to miss movie night tonight. Less dependable people will leave you hanging at times, causing unnecessary anxiety.

He can keep secrets

It’s pretty key for a roommate to be discrete with any personal issues or feelings you’ve shared. “Trustworthy individuals realize that you’re trusting them to not only be good listeners but also to support you during whatever circumstances you might be facing, to be validating and encouraging,” Dr. Escoto says. “Their keeping your secrets is part of taking care of you, protecting you, and valuing the trust between you.”

She keeps a channel open

Frequent and open communication facilitates understanding and creates a level of comfort—even if your roommate is complaining about your loud music or your leaving dishes in the sink. “People who bring up misunderstandings or relationship concerns in a timely manner without falling into a pattern of complaining regularly, and who do so respectfully, help direct the growth of a relationship in a positive direction,” Escoto says. A study by researchers from the University of West Virginia and the University of Akron shows that when both roommates had good interpersonal communication skills and little verbal aggressiveness, they were more likely to be satisfied with their shared living situation. These magic phrases can make anyone trust you.

He respects your boundaries

Roommates need to be conscious of your limits and your need for privacy. That means not barging into your space or using your stuff without permission, not looking over your shoulder when you’re writing emails or talking on the phone, and not automatically joining you and your company if you haven’t made it clear that they’re welcome. Use this checklist to see how body language can build trust.

She’s honest

Trust builds naturally when a person is open and truthful. “When someone consistently tells the truth, admits their mistakes, and speaks from the heart, we tend to trust them more,” said Monique Honaman, Atlanta-based author of the book, The High Road Has Less Traffic. “By following through on promises and displaying consistent behavior, they earn our trust.”

He’s eager to demonstrate his trustworthiness

A recent New York magazine article explored the benefits of being assigned a random roommate, and how this can be a great opportunity for personal growth and fulfillment. “This is a tremendous opportunity for impressionable young people,” Bruce Sacerdote, a Dartmouth economist and researcher, is quoted as saying. “And the research has shown, convincingly, that having the right sort of roommate can expand horizons and open eyes in extremely important ways.” Students should embrace the clean slate they are given to build trust. Having a positive attitude is a great place to start.

She’s flexible with scheduling

Whether you work full-time or part-time or go to school, whether you’re single or coupled up, whether you’re a night owl or a morning jay, scheduling conflicts can easily come up and get in the way of a civilized relationship. That’s why it’s critical for a roommate to be considerate with early waking times, late arrivals home, and other occasional requirements, like needing quiet to concentrate or having to accommodate overnight guests in the shared living room. “Building trust is imperative in any relationship, and the building blocks of trust are consistent,” says Honaman. “If you want to build trust with a roommate, display these behaviors, and look for the same in return from them.”

Read More

Why Forgetting Their Anniversary Was the Best Thing This Couple Ever Did

This couple's "every-other-year" anniversary rule is the best idea ever.

I forgot my anniversary this year, and I don’t feel guilty about it. In fact, I did it with my husband’s blessing. In our marriage it is mandatory. I forget it this year, and he forgets it the next.

Chad and I spent about 15 years celebrating our anniversary the old-fashioned way. He’d get me flowers, I’d get him a card and we’d go out for dinner. While we both enjoyed our child-free time together, I finally admitted that I didn’t even like red roses, and his card wound up in the garbage can.

So we devised a new tradition called the Every Other Year Anniversary. We alternate years planning a surprise for each other. A celebration of a marriage should be special, and we intended to make it so.

I volunteered to go first, planning a weekend getaway to Hiawassee, where we stayed in a lake lodge and saw the Charlie Daniels Band in concert. I chose all the activities—Chad didn’t have to think of anything. Planning it was as much fun for me as going. As for Chad, the suspense added to his excitement. And, he didn’t have to call the florist at the last minute to order flowers.

This was the first anniversary that I took pictures, and that sealed the deal for me. Making memories is what it’s all about.

The next year was my turn to be surprised. Chad, though traditionally not a romantic, came through with flying colors, planning a weekend in Nashville. We went on a comedy bus tour that was hilarious; we visited the Grand Ole Opry and downtown Nashville. Chad even endured some shopping just because he knew I would like it. We ate at a very upscale restaurant and enjoyed each other’s company more than ever.

For once, I didn’t have to make any decisions. I could tell Chad had put a lot of thought into where we went and what we did.

We agreed at this point that the new challenge would be topping each other the following year. Surprisingly, we manage to do it every time. Of course, some years have been more elaborate than others, depending on finances or the children’s schedules.

Our celebrations have included hot air balloon flights, beekeeping lessons and visits to the Fox Theatre in Atlanta; the Jack Daniel’s Distillery in Lynchburg, Tennessee; and the beautiful Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina.

We have now been married for more than 20 years. The Every Other Year Anniversary has made our marriage loving, complete and, above all else, fun! I can’t wait to see what’s in store next year.

Read More

8 Proven Ways to Make a Good First Impression

Want to be more memorable? These tips will help you have a lasting connection with anyone you meet.

Dress to impress

What you wear can indicate a lot about yourself to a new person. Make sure you feel comfortable and confident in whatever your wear, as this will positively affect your mood. Wearing something that makes a statement can also lead to a conversation starter. These subtle fashion tips can make you look expensive.

Smile!

Psychologist James McConnell, who wrote the book Understanding Human Behavior, put it simply: “People who smile tend to manage and sell more effectively, and raise happier children.” Your facial expression is typically the first aspect someone notices about you when they make an initial judgement, and it’s important to appear both happy and engaged. In his book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie said: “You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.” Check out these tips to be the most interesting person in the room.

Remember names

Dale Carnegie also writes in his book, “We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else.” In other words: People love to hear their names. We are so inundated with names and information that remembering someone’s name and working it into a conversation goes a long way. Here are simple tricks to never forget someone's name.

Think about your intentions

What are your goals are in making this impression? Do you want to make a new friend? Network? Strike a business deal? A clear set of intentions can help you figure out what kind of energy you want to give off during the interaction. Know what kind of information you want to share about your self in each circumstance. Remember to be sincere no matter what you’re discussing. These are signs you're an extraordinarily empathetic person.

Show genuine interest

Famous magician Howard Thurston never went on stage without repeating this mantra to himself: “I am grateful because these people come to see me. I’m going to give them the best I possibly can. I love my audience.” Though most people aren’t planning on dazzling an audience with a magic show any time soon, the takeaway here is that you can make a good first impression if you are excited and genuinely interested in the person or people you are trying to connect with. Listen intently, ask questions, and encourage others to talk about their experiences. In doing so, you will have more in depth and more memorable conversations. These magic phrases can save any awkward conversation.

Pay attention to your body language

Research shows that 60 to 90 percent of communication with others is nonverbal, so when meeting someone for the first time it is essential to pay attention to your body language. Keep your posture upright and relaxed, lean in to show others you are listening to them, and feel free to gesture with your hands as you speak (this has actually been shown to improve your thinking process). When in doubt, take cues from the other person’s body language. Check out some other meaningful ways to use body language.

Make an effort to be thoughtful

It is often said that actions speak louder than words. Going out of your way to do something kind or thoughtful, especially for someone you don’t know well, can ensure that you make a lasting impression. These are little things you can do to be nicer to anyone.

Snap out of a bad mood

It can be hard not to let a bad mood affect how you come off to other people. If you’ve had a bad day, maybe skip the evening’s social activities. Or shake it off by listening to some music or watching a funny video. Your attitude rubs off on other people whether you intend it to or not, so it’s important to bring a positive attitude to any interaction with others.

Read More

Scary Driving Scenarios and Exactly How to Handle Them

Often when driving, we encounter situations that are out of our control. Make the right decisions when in a tight spot with these tips.

1)When there's an oncoming car in your lane

A car is coming straight toward you in your lane. Try getting its attention by honking and flashing your lights while planning a way to avoid them. Don’t stare at the oncoming vehicle, as your car will follow your line of sight. Instead, look where you want to go. Here are more tips for dealing with dangerous driving conditions.

2)To outsmart a carjacker...

When getting into your car at night, be wary of carjackers by getting in quickly and locking the doors right away, instead of taking the time to move things around while the door is still open or relying on automatic locks. If you've gotten in your car to discover a carjacker waiting, get out as fast as possible. If the car is in drive but not moving just get out, and if you are in motion stop as fast as possible to leave. When a carjacker has reached from the back seat to cover your mouth, take one finger and peel it backward as hard as you can. Hopefully this will break the perpetrator's finger and buy you some time to make a quick escape.

3)If you're dealing with blinding sun...

Try to limit your reaction as much as possible. Don't slam on the brakes or swerve, as this could pose a danger to both yourself and other drivers around you. Do your best to continue on your path and remain predictable to other drivers. Check out these summer car tips every driver should know.

4)When someone else is tailgating...

If a car behind you is tailgating and honking, pull over and let it by. It may be an emergency, and either way it is unsafe to travel with another vehicle at such a close proximity.

5)If you spot an impaired driver ahead

If the car ahead of you is swerving and the driver appears to be impaired, give him plenty of room and do not tailgate. Pay close attention, but don't fixate on the vehicle.

6)Not sure how to handle a yellow light at an intersection?

If the light turns yellow as you're approaching an intersection, use your judgment to determine the best course of action. Never go through a yellow light if you think you can stop before the light turns.

Read More

Are Your Kids Ready to Be Left Home Alone? This Is the Best Way to Tell

Leaving your children home alone can help build confidence and responsibility—if they’re ready.

Getting to stay home alone is a rite of passage for kids. But only three states have laws with minimum ages that a child can be left alone (kids have to be at least 14 in Illinois, 8 in Maryland, and 10 in Oregon), leaving most of the guesswork up to parents when deciding whether to let kids stay at home when you’re out.

First, you need to decide if you child is mature enough to be left alone. Don’t assume your children can handle being alone just because their peers’ parents leave them unsupervised. If your kids are independent and tend to follow rules, you can probably trust them to make good decisions when left alone. Float the idea past your children and see if they feel comfortable with the thought of staying back when you’re out of the house.

The circumstances of when you’ll be gone affect whether your kids can handle staying home. A few hours at night might seem scary to a child who would be fine for an hour in the afternoon. Also consider that a child who is mature enough to stay alone by himself might not be able to take care of younger siblings.

Once you do decide to leave your children at home alone, leave the contact information of who to call in an emergency in an accessible place. You should also go over basic first aid skills, give dinner instructions if they’ll be alone during a meal, make sure they know how to lock the door, and what to do if the doorbell rings.

Consider a trial run, leaving for a short time while close to home to see how your children manage with you away. Acting out situations like answering phone calls without revealing they’re alone could also help your children feel more confident when those circumstances come up. While you’re gone, call your child or have a neighbor check in to make sure your child is comfortable, and once you’re home, ask your kids about how they felt while you were away.

When your kids know they have your trust, they’ll be able to develop the confidence and dependability needed to become independent.

Read More

6 Phrases Guaranteed to Make Any Argument Worse

You may think you're helping—but you're just screwing things up more.

Don't tell someone how to feel

It may sound to you like you’re acknowledging the other person’s feelings, but by adding a “should” or “shouldn’t” you are condemning and judging them just as much. Psychologists call this subtractive empathy—a response that diminishes and distorts what the other person has just said, often making them feel worse. Instead of judging a feeling, try giving it a concrete name by saying something like, “You sound pretty hurt about [problem]. It doesn’t seem fair.” That’s what psychologists call additive empathy—it identifies a feeling, then adds a new layer of understanding that can lead to a potential solution. Think you have a solution? Be careful how you phrase it.

This is your brain on an argument

When you argue, you are at your most animal. Your brain literally enters fight-or-flight mode, your heart-rate escalates, and logic and reasoning physically shut down. It's little wonder you usually say a lot of bonehead things you end up regretting in the morning. Don't worry: We are all guilty of the same stupidity, and sometimes the key to a painless argument is what you don't say. For starters, here are six research-backed phrases proven to make any bad argument worse. Also: Here are wise quotes that can stop any argument in its tracks.

Don't mention getting calm

According to parenting experts and hostage negotiators alike, the biggest mistake most people make in an argument is denying the other person’s feelings. Think for a moment if the words “calm down” have ever actually made you calmer. More than likely, they’ve only ever made you feel more annoyed—Why does this person think I’m overreacting? He doesn’t understand me at all! Telling a person to calm down assigns them a negative emotion (be it anger, anxiety, stubbornness, etc.) while denying their actual feelings. This seeming lack of empathy can be detrimental to reaching a mutual understanding, which is a far more important outcome than “winning” an argument. So instead of telling your companion how to feel, seek first to understand how they feel. Step one: listen. Here's what good listeners do in daily conversations.

Don't try to quiet their emotions

Always let the other person vent, no matter how long or loud that venting may be. “If the emotional level is high, your first task is to take some of the emotion out,” says Linda Hill, professor of business administration at Harvard Business School. “Hold back and let them say their piece. You don’t have to agree with it, but listen.” Often times, just talking honestly about a problem is enough to make a person feel better about it (hence, therapy). And as an argument participant, know that every word your companion says is a step toward mutual understanding. Just be careful how you approach it. Here's what happy couples do when they fight.

Don't fake-empathize

This stock phrase almost always comes across wrong; you may be trying to say, “your emotions are valid,” but the other person will more likely hear, “I get it—so stop talking.” Instead of merely saying you understand someone’s feelings, show them by doing what FBI negotiators do: paraphrase. “The idea is to really listen to what the other side is saying and feed it back to them,” says FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss. “It’s kind of a discovery process for both sides. First of all, you’re trying to discover what’s important to them, and secondly, you’re trying to help them hear what they’re saying to find out if what they are saying makes sense.” If everyone’s on the same page, you can start moving toward reconciliation. But the worst thing you can say next is…

Don't tell someone what to do

When the fight-or-flight response is triggered, power becomes deceptively crucial to us. Telling someone what to do takes away their power; if they listen to your advice, they may feel less smart or less autonomous, and they will resent you for that. What’s more, insisting that an answer depends solely on the other person changing their behavior removes personal responsibility from the equation, and that’s no way to make friends or learn from your mistakes. The superior phrase: “What would you like me to do?” This handy question leaves the other person with their autonomy, and proves you’re willing to meet them halfway. It also moves your brains away from fight mode, and closer to the land of logical compromise.

Read More

7 Things That Happy Couples Do When They Fight

How couples fight can determine if their arguments are harmful, or if they lead to positive results that bolster the relationship. Here are some ground rules to follow in your next relationship fight.

Fair fighting rule: Don't over-blame

Perhaps you fail to communicate what you want, actively bait your partner, don’t set limits, or nag rather than act constructively. Or perhaps it’s your partner who is engaging in these ways. No matter who instigates an argument, you are both part of a relationship, and whatever happens in that relationship, you both have a part in it. So when you find yourself assigning blame, remind yourself that the highest percentage of blame that you can assign is 50 percent. You’re in this together. If you want to work it out, you have to share the blame. These wise quotes can help stop an argument in its tracks.

Fair fighting rule: A positive environment minimizes a destructive fight

Create the right environment so that when a conflict does occur, it is not overwhelming. To do this, partners need to respond regularly to one another in a positive fashion. We all yearn to love and be loved, to be seen, heard, and known—to matter. These yearnings are calls for attention: those everyday moments when we share a thought, an observation, an “I love you,” and we hope or expect our partner will respond with a laugh, a hug, or an acknowledgment. Couples whose interactions are brimming with these sort of positive exchanges create an atmosphere over time that tips the scales toward the creative rather than the destructive when the inevitable conflicts do arise. They’ve created the right atmosphere for the conflict itself to be positive. Here are powerfully simple ways to diffuse a fight with your partner.

Fair fighting rule: Avoid destructive behaviors that only make things worse

Disengagement behaviors like avoiding, stonewalling, withholding, keeping secrets, or being zoned out are detrimental to you and your relationship. Disengagement is the pretense of involvement, where you’re “kind of, sort of there” but only half-heartedly active and not really conscious of your real yearnings, your real heart. If all you ever argue about is politics or sports, or if you’re whining about superficial things that don’t get to the core of your issues, you’re not being productive. A pattern of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal is the result of negative engagements. It can destroy a relationship.

Fair fighting rule: Don't rely on your partner for your own happiness.

It is not your partner’s responsibility to make you happy. It is yours alone—although, of course, we should support out partners. If you want something different, it is up to you to make it happen. What do you truly want? Nagging, blaming, and complaining are not what it takes to change things and make you happy. Remember, it took you years to become you and for your relationship to develop; therefore, it is unrealistic to expect change to happen immediately. Progress is made by persistence and priorities. Continually share your yearnings, and engage fully and responsibly to develop more clarity and understanding.

Read More