It's the crown jewel of autoeroticism. You've got the place
to yourself and all the time in the world, so you decide to make the most of
the opportunity by freely streaming pornography with the sound turned way up
and touching yourself in a manner that would make the baby jesus weep salty
tears. In the time it took you to do something that usually takes about 3
minutes, you could have been productive in any number of ways. As far as you're
concerned, it was time well spent.
You wish you were all alone for the night, but unfortunately
you're not. Your roommate could be home at any minute and it's now or never.
You lock your door, put your headphones in, and work as efficiently as possible
to avoid any impending awkwardness. No savoring it...
By now you're a pro at loving yourself, but that wasn't always the
case. We don't have to talk about it, but at one point in your upbringing,
something pertaining to this list happened that's both extremely embarrassing
to you and extremely funny to anyone else who knows about it.
